A Smart Condom for Your Tiny Dumb Dick

Tune up your heart rate monitor, tighten up your Fitbit and strap on your strap-on the battle in the bedroom just got real. The i.Con Smart Condom, which markets itself as the "world's first smart condom," is actually a ring that fits over a condom and claims to track your sexual performance, as well as detect chlamydia and syphilis. Yeah, because nothing turns on your partner more than hearing Siri blurt out "You have the clap" while you're in the middle of getting busy.

The ring is currently available for preorder on British Condoms for £59.99 (around $74 USD). The company says it won't take your money until the product has a firm grip on a release date.

In short, the i.Con ring promises to answer every burning question you've ever had about your sex session. Don't worry, it will pair with an app for all your data visualization needs.

According to the preorder page, the ring will answer questions such as:

• What's my thrust velocity?
• How fast are my thrusts?
• How many calories did that sesh just burn?
• How many times did I just have sex?
• What's the average skin temperature of my... eggplant?
• What's my girth?
• How many different positions did I just conquer?

Plus, it aims to answer that age-old question: How do I stack up at sex to everyone else around the world? What could go wrong?

The ring, which will come with a one-year warranty, will have a Micro-USB charging port to provide six to eight hours of "live" usage (not clear if this means thrust usage or something else). It will work with a combination of "nano-chip and sensors," and pair with your device via Bluetooth.

Worried about privacy, the data kind? British Condoms says "all data will be kept anonymous, but users will have the option to share their recent data with friends" or the NSA.